Because

Mental Illnesses are hard.

Because people look at you and can't see anything "wrong" with you, so they assume you're fine.

Because people think you can "just get over it".

Because people don't understand unless they live it too.

Because it's a constant internal "how-come-i'm-not-normal" fight.

Because "to-take or not-to-take" medication.

Because balancing doses of medication is a bitch.

Because it hurts.


But being on the outside looking in is even harder.


Because you don't know what that person is going through.

Because you don't understand.

Because you WANT to understand.

Because you want to make it go away for them.

Because you love them.

Because you can see the difference when they take meds vs. when they don't: and they can't see it.

Because they think they are fine without meds/therapy/help, but you know they're not.

Because it hurts you to see them hurt.


And when you have to deal with both...sometimes it seems like it's impossible to keep going.

Because you can't help them.

Because you can't help yourself.

Because it's in your HEAD.

Because there is no simple fix.

Because you can't just go to a doctor and say "I broke my head, can I have a cast please?" and expect it to heal in 6-8 weeks.

Because you wrestle with your thoughts all. day. long.


But you have to keep going. You just have to. I know it doesn't seem like it-but it will all be worth it. Practice separating sympathy from empathy. You will slip. It will be hard. Go ahead and cry and then get up and try again. One day at a time. One hour at a time. Just keep going.

Find something that makes you smile and build on that. Try to remember that this life is not forever. Try to remember that you are not alone.

Most people have some kind of mental struggle...we just need to be kind to everyone. Extra kind, because you honestly NEVER KNOW what someone is going through. Even if it's not logical, something you say or do could send someone into a downward spiral. Let's be there for each other. We're all here struggling with SOMETHING--let's make life easier for each other, not more difficult. Stay alive. I love you, even if it seems like no one else does. I love you. Stay Strong. We can do this.

Look what I made...

You can find the tutorial HERE...

Happy Christmas

true meaning of Christmas

You know what bothers me?

When people go around saying "Christmas isn't about the gifts or Santa Claus or trees or lights...it's about Jesus's birth!"

Yes, this is the time of year that we celebrate the Savior coming to earth and all the wonderful things He has done for us...I don't disregard that, BUT

Christmas IS about the gifts. The magic of the trees lit up. The mystery of Santa Claus. And there is nothing wrong with that.

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Our world is so full of hate and disappointments and cruelty>but during the Christmas season everything seems a little brighter, a little happier, a little better.

You spend time thinking of others and what you could do for them. My FAVORITE thing in the world is giving gifts. I spend so much time collecting, wrapping, thinking of what I can give to the people that I love so much. I can show them I love them by giving a little love.

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I don't care if you give a card that you wrote on a scratch paper or if you decide to buy something you know would make them happy--or anything in between. The point is that you thought of someone else and spent precious time thinking of them and not yourself.

That is why Christmastime is so special to me. It's the magic. It's the thoughtfulness. It's seeing Random Acts of Kindness done by people you would never think had it in their heart. I wish we could have this love all year round--but for now, I'm just glad we have it at all. 

Every time I start thinking about something going on in the world, in my town, even in my home--it all comes down to love. 

And when I think of Love, I think of Jesus, and would Jesus want me to show my love to others? Absolutely. And this time of year that means wishing others Happy Holidays and giving a gift of love.

You don't need to have the stress of spending money. Stress doesn't equal love, so if it's stressful, don't do it. If all you can do this year is give a smile or give the gift of forgiveness or give a hug and an "I love you"--then that is perfect!  

Just don't say you're not going to give anything this year because you are thinking about the "true meaning of Christmas" because if you truly understood what it meant for the world for Jesus to be born, you would give everything you had.

x

What's in the BAG 2

Another version of What's In The Bag is here!

This time: my makeup bag!

1. Clinique Perfectly Real Foundation (not sticky, not thick, tons of shades)

2. Blush Brush (say that 10 times fast) 

3. Covergirl Concealer (green erases any red you've got)

4. Eyelash curler from Forever 21

5. Smashbox Photo Finish Foundation Primer (the coolest stuff! just smooths out your face so foundation goes on really smooth-like)

6. Maybelline Perfect Pastels Shocking Seas Eyeshadow

7. E.L.F Complexion Perfection (same idea as the Concealer-evens skin tone)

8. Clinique Fresh Bloom All Over Color (i use it as blush-there's a light pink part and a bronze part, so you get 2-in-1!)

9. Great Lash Mascara is the BEST...and they have the cool colors again, so I use Teal some days and pink on the bottom lashes some days

9. Claires was having their 10 for $10 sale and they had this mascara and I thought 'sure, why not' and it has been SO great! It makes my lashes look 10 feet long and it goes on really smooth--who knew!?

10. Colored Eye Liner (this is my signature...teal, green, purple, black, silver, gold-i have almost every color! The Wet-n-Wild is only 99cents and I like it the best...sometimes cheaper works!)

11. Clinique Foundation Brush (best purchase I've ever made. No more gloppy crap all over your hands, no more sponges soaking up all the foundation--it's the coolest)

12. My cute bag that has 2 zipper pockets so everything is easy to reach!

Phew!

Clinique should offer me some royalties after this post! :)

What's your favorite make-up accessory?

Tom Freaking Hiddleston

Freakin' look at this guy.

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Just look at him.

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He is the happiest freaking person.

x

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He finds joy in everything.

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I wish I could enjoy life as much as him.

I wish I could have as much pure joy and fun with life as he does.

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I wish I could enjoy life WITH him, but that's another story.

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wow. just...mmmm.

x

Dear All,

Taking a page from my girls Elise and Elisabeth's books/blogs, I thought I'd try a "Dear Boys" post...but I think I will expand it to "Dear All", because honestly, the only boy I can think of to write to is the one that works at the Toy Helicopter kiosk across the walkway from my work and stares at me all day--and that would NOT be interesting...

Dear Giant Mall Christmas Tree,

You're blocking my view of the screaming 

kids on the Carousal and I really appreciate that.

Love,

Irritated 

Dear Dumb Customers,

If you don't understand that 

WE ARE NOT A FURNITURE STORE 

even after I've explained it 8,000 times...you don't belong here.

Thanks for coming in,

GET OUT

Dear Vampire Diaries,

I love your show. I love Damon. I love Klaus&Caroline. 

I'm a little sad that I'm caught up now and only get to watch once a week now.

Yours,

So-happy-it's-Thursday

Dear Chocolate,

We've got to break up. I'm just too addicted to

you and my pants are starting to get too tight.

Sincerely,

I'm just kidding-I love you too much

Dear Darling,

You don't have a ring on your finger...

you're freaking adorable...

i know we've only talked twice about work stuff 

you needed for your mall marketing job

--but could you please ask me out?

Cheers,

I love you

Dear Tumblr,

More Tom Hiddleston please.

Love,

Mrs. Hiddleston

Dear YOU,

Thanks for reading my blog. 

You are the bomb {dot} com.

Always,

Me

Music washes from the soul the dust of everyday life...

Usually about October 1st is when I start listening to Christmas music. I just love the feeling it has and I'm not really a Halloween or Thanksgiving lover--so I don't fall for the "It's-not-even-Halloween-yet" speech.
This year though, I've been a little slow to hop on the wagon...I'm thinking it's probably because I had to listen to THE.SAME.SONGS over and over again at work 40 hours a week last year. I swear if I hear "Santa Baby" one more time I will start a killing spree. Hopefully we'll have a little more variety this year, but for now, I'll stick with my I-pod (at least for a bit longer)...

I saw a blogging challenge to put your I-pod on shuffle and blog the first 10 songs that come up...I guess you'll really get to know who I am now! Here goes...

1. Bruno Mars MARRY YOU

2. Katy Perry FIREWORK

3. Mindy Gledhill ALL ABOUT YOUR HEART

4. Train HEY SOUL SISTER

5. George Michael FAITH (haha...faiththefaiththefaith)

6. Bridgit Mendler WE'RE DANCING

7. Gwen Stefani HOLLABACK GIRL (yeah boi)

8. Sara Barellies KING OF ANYTHING

9. Usher YEAH!

10. Justin Bieber TAKE YOU

I don't know why I was so nervous about that--those are all pretty good songs. :) 

yeah, i have good taste--what didja think?

Now I'm sitting here at work, listening to Selena Gomez belt "WHEN YOU'RE READY COME AND GET IT, OH UH OH..." for the millionth time TODAY...& I'm thinking it's time to sync up my "Merry" playlist. I need some Bieber "Under the Mistletoe" like....NOW! (figuratively and literally-if ya know what I mean--wink*wink*lol)

What are your top favorite songs? Sounds like I need to spend a little time with the purchase button in I-tunes tonight...

What's in the BAG

Ever wondered what's in my bag? 

You luckies get a sneak peek into the catch-all bag that's always on my shoulder...

What's your always-have-to-have item you carry?

1. Too much lipgloss
2. Always have to have some hard candy...
3. ...and gum...
4. ...and mints that remind me of Disneyland
5. Headphones to block out the world
6. Glossy Ink pen for sketching
7. My Smash/Sketch/Art Journal/Book
8. keys and my mustache keychain!
9. Glittery Phone
10. Wallet full of frequent-buyer cards
11. Sunnies. 4eva.

If you read this whole post > bravo! 10 points to Gryffindor

So I went and bought the new Fall Out Boy CD last night. "Save Rock And Roll".  (And by "went and bought" I mean "sat on my butt and pushed 'purchase' in I-tunes".)

I've been a FOB fan since Junior High. 

I was a very naive and sheltered girl when I was little and up until 7th or 8th grade, I hadn't listened to any "modern", "popular" bands of the day. I was a pure 80's-and-whatever-my-parents-listened-to in terms of music. Then, at a friends house, I heard All American Rejects for the first time. I kinda felt wrong listening to it. (What is this "rock-and-roll" loud music we are listening to? i think i like it.) I know. I'm an 80 year old Nun-don't judge. Then they played "Paper Heart" at a church dance and I realized the beauty that is Modern Pop music. AAR will forever be my first and I will always love them.

Fast forward a bit. Remember Instant Messaging? Before everyone had a phone with unlimited Texting? It was the coolest and cruelest thing I can remember. It was the beginning of people thinking they could say ANYTHING they wanted because you weren't face-to-face with someone. I shed a lot of tears because of what people said on IM...but that's another story... Remember how you could write a little blurb at the top of your IM box that basically said "ask me about this cool ambiguous sentence-i'm-so-cool"...well a few of my friends had the weirdest blurbs, so I asked them what they meant. "Oh! They're song lyrics! It's this awesome band called Fall Out Boy..."

So I looked them up. I listened to a song. My ears buzzed and my heart sang. I couldn't get the smile off my face. This Modern Pop/Rock stuff was pretty darn awesome!

My girl friend burned me a mixed-cd (which was also pretty awesome) with all the FOB songs her brother had. Addicted.

I found out FOB was playing a concert at UVU (which was still UVSC then). I had never been to a concert before. I had to be there. I hesitantly told my parents that the only thing I wanted for my 16th birthday was a ticket to this concert. I never thought they would actually get it, but I had to try!

Fast forward to my 16th birthday. I was handed an envelope. Inside > 2 tickets to the FOB concert in Orem! I thought I was in a dream. Life could not get any better! And then I looked at the ticket again. "Fall Out Boy" opened by "All American Rejects"...WHAT?! This was like heaven in a ticket. I. could. not. believe. it.

At school I told my "friends" about the concert and how excited I was. & I got so much crap. Inside my naive little girl was whispering 'what? i thought this was cool to go to concerts'...."They're such sell-outs," my guy friends would say. I had never had guy friends before-so what they said made an impression on me and made me feel really stupid. 

(side note: wouldn't "selling-out" a concert be a good thing? don't you want people to come? i've never understood that term....anyway...)

This is the point in my life where, looking back, I see myself making the first decisions to choose who I was going to be in my life. Was I going to be the wishy-washy girl that agreed with her "friends" just to belong, or was I going to do things that made me happy, regardless of what people thought?

I'm proud to say I believe I made the right choice. Looking back now, I wonder why I was ever friends with them...but that is also another story. ;)

I invited my friend Adriana that was part of another group that I didn't think I belonged-but she was really nice to me and I liked spending time with her and she didn't make fun of me for what bands I listened to.

We went to the concert and I drank it all in. I danced and sang and laughed and had a fantastic time. It will be something that I always remember.

As time has gone by, I have changed (a lot) from that person I was at 16. I realized the pedestal I had put all boys on is actually below sea level. There are only a few that are strong enough to climb out and join me on land. Not that I'm saying I'm so high above people--I just realized that boys-i-thought-could-do-no-wrong are actually human too, and I choose to be around the ones that actually make me feel good about myself. 

I realized that music can be really great for your soul, or really bad for it and that it's worth experimenting to find the stuff that makes you happy.

Through it all, I have never stopped loving Fall Out Boy. Maybe it's a silly thing, but I see it as a metaphor-if I would have listened to my "friends" and stopped listening to FOB (aka stopped doing things I loved), then I would not be the person I am today. I have worked really hard to become this girl, and I am proud of ME.

When I was 17, I was working at an Ice Cream shop in the mall and I met some of the nicest boys I've ever met. They were a year older than me, they were part of the "dangerous" crowd. I knew they smoked and drank and partied, but when I was with them-they were so respectful and kind to me. Another lesson I learned > just because someone is a church-goer doesn't mean they are Christ-like and visa versa.

Anyway, one of them knew I loved FOB and he liked them too. So one day (after he no longer worked at the shop btw) he texted me and told me they had finally come out with another album! I was so excited and couldn't wait to hear it. Then, to my surprise-he came to the shop and handed me a CD burned with their music. (That was probably illegal...oops.) It was the sweetest thing anyone had done for me because I knew he liked me for me and not for what was popular. I popped in the CD and we sat there soaking in the beat. Heaven.

Listening to their new CD this morning on the way to work, all these memories came back to me. Some of them painful, but I really realized how far I've come since then. I'm grateful for the choices I made, the people I stayed friends with, and the ones I kicked to the curb. 

I'm not afraid to like what I like. I'm proud to be the person I am. I don't hide it anymore. and guess what? I still have friends. Real friends. Ones that care for and love me NO MATTER WHAT. I love you for that. Thank you for being my friend-whether you like Fall Out Boy or not. ;)

i'd like to fast forward please

You know those days when you wake up and you can just feel it's an off-day? Yeah, today is one of those days. And the creeper man at the Toy Helicopter kiosk across from me keeps staring at me. yikes. can i just go home and go back to sleep please? gah.

on the brighter side: Supernatural is on tonight! Hallelujah. Can't wait. 

also. yesterday my friend and I bought tickets for the first showing of Thor 2. ahhhh! tom hiddleston, i love you. 16 days and counting.

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hooray for small victories

Small victory today:

Had a coupon in my email for $20 off a $50 purchase. So of course I have to use it! I went and found something I kinda liked. I was not in love by any means. Before pressing "Complete Purchase" I let it sit there for a second while I did something else and thought about it. I came back to it 3 hours later and closed the tab. I didn't really need it. I didn't even really like it that much. Even though that is a good deal, I didn't need to spend that money.

Then I heard a little "ching" in my mind. $30 going into my imaginary "Saving-for-England" jar. yay!

p.s. if you want this coupon--comment on this post and I'll forward the email to you. ;) Just because I didn't use it doesn't mean is should go unused. ;)

Small Talk

What about this weather, eh? Gorgeous-absolutely gorgeous! ;)

Today is the epitome of the perfect weather day to me. I walked out to my car to go to work and the crisp chilly air wrapped around me. I took a deep breath of the woodsy damp trees and crunched across the lovely carpet the leaves had made for me. The sky was white with wispy clouds drizzling drops of rain. The trees all around were orange and red and yellow. I jammed along with Sara Barellies' "Little Black Dress" and watched the ink black birds glide across the foggy white sky. I have leather on the elbows of my cardigan and sparkles on my shoes. I have hours at work to browse through images of Tom Hiddleston and Benedict Cumberbatch and sing along with Bridget Mendler's "Blonde" {for the 80th time}. Life is lovely today. I have to try to remember these few days of fall before winter comes--and worse--summer again. I wish everyday could be autumn. Beautiful, gorgeous autumn.

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find the beauty in today

The best part of fall...

Supernatural Season Premiere is on tonight. Season 9. Holy Cow. I am so excited!

Thanks to my girl, Blaynie, who introduced me to the show; I have been part of the fandom since day 01. I am one of the few. I am one of the ones that has watched faithfully for 8 years. Even when I was in college and didn't have a telly, I would watch the second it was posted on cwtv.com. I've never missed an episode. I own all 8 seasons on DVD and I've watched them all (minus season 8 that just came out) over 5 times each. Not to say you are any less if you joined the fandom later; but it's pretty cool to say I'm one of the first fans. 

My little 15 year old self fell in love with Dean and have grown with him through the years. You know when you watch home videos of yourself when you're younger and you get that embarrassed 'yikes-i-did-that?' feeling? Sometimes I watch episodes from the first few seasons and I get that same feeling for Dean. I know what's coming for him and it hurts my heart a bit. Then to see Sam so innocent in the firsts and to know all the heartache and hard choices that are coming--I just want to hug him and keep him innocent forever.

Maybe that's a bit how God feels about us. He knows what is coming for us and knows what we should do to be prepared or prevent the heartache-but we are so young and naive>I'm sure it kills Him to have us go through the pain anyway-when He'd rather just hug us and keep us safe. But then we would never grow and learn. You can't stay the same forever. You've got to make choices and learn from them. Yes, we will have heartache and pain; and it will be really hard-but if we keep trying-we WILL make it through and be better on the flip side. 

When I have a bad day; when I don't know what to watch; when nothing seems good enough: I can always go to Supernatural. I know it sounds a bit crazy to be that in love with a TV show, but I think it's a metaphor for my life. When I go back and watch episodes, I can remember things I was doing or thinking when I first watched that episode. Memories...lots of memories and lessons hidden in these episodes for me.

Can't wait to see what surprises they've come up with for the new season! 8pm tonight! WHOO!